where can I find a real cursed sword?and how?
Um… Well, OBVIOUSLY these are hard to come by. Regular swords are everywhere. Did you know they used to be, like, the weapon of choice for a few thousand years? Yeah, dude, so finding a sword, just A SWORD, is easy as pie but a cursed sword is a different animal altogether. You need to have a special ingredient for a sword to be cursed: you need a curse! There are a few types of folks who are adept at curses: witches, evil queens, old Gypsy (ROMANI) ladies, sorceresses - any angry/jilted/scorned woman with some magical skills, really (warlocks and sorcerers can cast curses, too, but lady-curses are generally stronger and longer lasting so you should go with the pros, not the bros). Unfortunately, most modern ladies have enough bitterness and anger to cast a curse, but lack the magic part. So, you gotta get vintage with that shit and, lucky for you, I know just where you should look.
First, get thee to Expedia because you’re buying a ticket to Udaipur City in Rajasthan, India. Once you’re there, head for Lake Pichola where you should totally check out the Lake Palace because part of Octopussy was filmed there and James Bond is totally rad. After you’re done pretending to sidestep poison darts or whatever, break out your diving gear and jump in the lake. The legend you’re following goes like this:
Natini’s curse: The Natini Chabutra is a raised platform in a courtyard, built to commemorate a tightrope walker, namely Natani. Maharana Jawan Singh (1828-38), during a bet seemed to have assured a Natani that half the kingdom of Mewar would be gifted to her if she crossed the lake over a tightrope stretched across the lake from a village on the west bank to the City Palace on the east bank. She was cheated and made to lose the bet as the rope was cut off half way. The girl plunged into the lake and drowned. She is believed to have cursed that the Maharana’s family had no direct heirs or descendants. This curse claimed to have come true, since six Ranas out of the seven succeeding Jawan Singh were adopted sons.
Badass, Blinged-out Sword
Obviously, sister cursed that sword, too, which became as hot as the sun as soon as the rope was cut. The henchman dropped that sword into the lake, and it’s never been seen again. You want a cursed sword? You’re going to have to comb through 175 years of silt and lake goo to find it.
Alternatively, you could save yourself some trouble and chill out on the Skyrim for awhile. Reintegrate yourself into regular life and remember that shit like cursed swords aren’t real.
how do I get rid of clothes? some have holes.
The first thing you should do is weed out the ones with holes. Throw those ones in the trash, or, be like my grandma and cut them up to use as rags around the house - no, for reals. Second thing you should do is make sure the rest of the clothes are clean. If they aren’t, you should wash them. Then you have options.
Option 1: Have a yard/garage/porch sale and make $3.
Option 2: Find a box that says these words and put them inside of it:
Option 3: Find a place that looks like this and put them inside of it:
Option 4: Find a person on the street who looks like they might need your clothes and offer your clothes to this person.
Option 5: Find a local charity that accepts clothing donations, give your things to them.
Option 6: Ask your friends if they want your clothes, or trick them into it by organizing a “clothing swap.”
Option 7: Leave them in a box on the sidewalk with a sign that says “Free.” Put an ad in the Craigslist free section. If the clothes are not gone in 24 hours, remove them from the sidewalk and try another option.
After flying back to LAX, I was chatting with a friendly dude in baggage claim who had been on my flight. He ended up asking me out and I said “sure” and gave him my number, even though I really am not interested. But I’m newly single and this is the first time anyone has asked me out since the breakup, and I think I just didn’t know what to say. In retrospect, I probably should have just said “I’m seeing someone”. But my brain doesn’t work that fast, and now he’s got my phone number. What do I do? Ignore the call? Go out anyway and who cares? (Please note: I don’t have the balls to answer the call and tell him I’m not interested.)
You. (I assume.)
Listen, attention is NICE (especially so when you’re newly single) regardless of whether you plan to follow up on the culmination of enjoying said attention. Aside from the totally honest approach (i.e. the thing you’re not going to do, i.e. saying “no, thank you”) - of which I am a HUGE proponent [please see super annoying/preachy note below] - you’re well within your rights to ignore the call, make up a lie, go out and have a weird time, or other. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying the attention or being a bit startled by the ask-out and missing your opportunity to turn the dude down flat (with a little lie or the truth) - you’re just a person and persons have moments like these.
And since you asked this question six months ago, I’m super curious as to whether this dude actually called you and how everything went down.
**SUPER ANNOYING/PREACHY NOTE**
Being honest, while not always comfortable, is not MEAN. You can certainly make it mean with tone or intent, but simply being HONEST by saying “No, thank you, I’m not interested.” is a great way to get your message across and avoid ambiguity for the other party (one can always argue with an excuse, less so with the truth).
Bonus: it’s respectful and gives you integrity!
Reblogging (myself) to make myself feel better about how everything is terrible all the time.
Ed: I did not intend to post this on Here’s a tip: but I’m also not interested in deleting it, so - let’s call this one “Here’s a tip: How To Be Terrible At Talking To Strangers”
I recently signed up on a dating site. The site shall remain anonymous, as will the sender of this email. He initially sent me a message at 12:56PM on Saturday, and this message at 5:53AM Sunday. I had not responded to the previous email, and had not decided whether I would (it was charming…
I’m not really asking a question, I just wanted to say that I really enjoy everything you write. Don’t ever quit, please.
Thank you. I have been feeling low and this serves as a nice boost-me-up.
This is the clip show of blog posts.
I HATE when the car in front of me obstructs traffic while they wait for a parking spot. Whether they are waiting for somebody to exit a space at the grocery store, or holding up traffic on Melrose by trying to parallel park. I feel like if you are holding people up, you are being selfish and rude. Am I wrong?
Please see this post which answers a very similar question about Trader Joe’s’ parking lots.
Can 2 friends hook up without lov getin in the way or can sex friendsstay best friends???
Please see this post with in-depth commentary from many.
What is the best way to kill my neighbor’s parrot?
Yeah, bro, you totally already asked me this fake question.
I have an old friend who lives in Berkeley. I didn’t really think of him as anything but an amazingly cool friend until a couple weekends ago. He came to town new years, and it seemed as if he was turning up the heat a bit. He’s in the bay area and has a year to go until he finishes his Phd. I didn’t know how I felt before, but I visited and after a very romantic time- realized I’m smitten. He’s super into me, too, but is very practical. I can’t stop thinking of the future. What do I do?
Get on it. Seriously, you’ve been friends for forever, the heat has been turned UP and you’ve enjoyed a romantical visit? Yeah, make that shit OK for the boths of you. LA => Berkeley ain’t that far for two people - if you were in high school or maybe even your undergrad years I’d say this might be too much to ask, but you’re grown folks who are in charge of their own destinies (and can buy cheap-ass Southwest tickets). Also, one year is not that long. Think about it, have you even gotten used to the idea that it’s 2012? I’ll answer for you: no, you haven’t. If you still wrote checks, you’d be writing /11 by accident.
Make it a thing. Let’s all get onboard with liking each other a whole bunch - even if it’s totally uncool and illogical.
what’s the deal with expired toothpaste?
Well, according to Dr. Joel H. Berg it isn’t harmful to continue use. Toothpaste will simply lose it’s efficacy over time, similar to vitamin supplements. My guess is the fewer additives your toothpaste has (whitening agents, Scope®, magic crystals, etc.) the longer the shelf life. While we’re on the subject of ingredients, most toothpastes have terribly dangerous ones - ones that, if ingested, could make you quite ill.
So, if I’ve terrified you enough, here are two solutions:
Though you probably shouldn’t ingest those either, unless you wanna end up like this guy:
I think my coworker may possibly be a complete mental case. I’ve discovered he enjoys a deadly combination of wizardry and atheism, along with the occasional IRL fight with strangers. Do I tell my boss my concerns, or quietly begin purchasing bullet proof clothing to prepare for the day he comes in and goes completely postal because the latest edition of Zelda has been bumped back two weeks? Please advise.
Signed, Tri-Forcing myself to smile
(Also, there is no God.)
Well, okay. First of all, I hope you’re still alive. I don’t follow the news, so I may not have heard of any dudes going completely banana sandwiches all over his coworkers. Secondly, let’s not totally jump to conclusions here. This guy may be a nerd and a weirdo, but he’s probably no Eric Harris, and besides, bullet-proof clothing won’t help you if he brings in his katana (yeah, he DEFINITELY has a sword).
I’m not very sure of what you mean by wizardry, but I’m guessing he reads Piers Anthony books and probably plays a lot of D&D or something. Or at least talks about it. Neither those things, nor atheism, are causes for alarm in and of themselves, but fights are a legit problem you can address with your boss. Aggression and/or violence in the workplace is totally unacceptable and should not be tolerated at any level. If the IRL stranger fights are customers, bring it up right away. If they’re purely anecdotal, you can still bring it up in the context of “it makes me feel uncomfortable when Duder McFantasypants talks about weird, violent stuff.” Your boss has a responsibility to address the issue without revealing your identity, but you need to judge whether your boss is smart/tactful enough to leave you out of it. Meaning, I’d like you to avoid making yourself a target in the case your coworker really is a bona fide nutjob waiting to crack.
You could also attempt to address these issues yourself, but that depends on how Dr. Phil-ish you’re feeling (or whether you’re any good at that sort of thing). Regardless of your tack, you need to be sure you’re as nice/friendly/cordial as you would be with anyone slightly unstable so as not to get on his “bad side” (he DEFINITELY has a written shit list). If you’re on the receiving end of threats or even a Gypsy (sorry, Romani) curse-like stinkeye, mention this to your boss and maybe get the police involved (if the threats are serious). If you’re genuinely concerned for your or anyone else’s safety, you do have a responsibility to speak up instead of simply soliciting the advice of me, an unofficial “expert” of nothing whatsoever.
Is everyone for real about how old they are on online dating profiles? Is it wrong to shave off a few years?
Short Answer to the First Part: No.
Short Answer to the Second Part: Yeah, kind of.
It turns out a lot of people lie about a lot of things on the internet - what a surprise! OKCupid has a blog analyzing all kinds of user trends, and this post is all about the lies people tell online, and though it addresses lots of other interesting subjects, unfortunately, it does not mention age. The Frisky (did you know this website is horrible?) has an article outlining The Top 10 White Lies People Tell in Online Dating Profiles, but it’s rather pithy in it’s analysis of the age-adjustment problem. But here’s a really square advice post from eHarmony (remember: it’s not for gays!) that specifically discusses a woman’s “real dating age” (sponsored by Olay) that, again, is really square, but addresses honest issues. Some of those tame bits of advice echo my own thoughts on the matter, which are as follows:
- If you’re actually looking for a relationship, don’t lie about your age. I happen to know who you are, dear question asker, and you look a good four to five years younger than your actual age, but you need to be honest about all aspects of who you are if you’re looking for something meaningful. You would, presumably, want the same in a partner. As long as your photos are current, they’re just going to have to deal with the fact that you’re an older-than-you-look, sweet piece of ass.
- If your goal is to casually date and maybe see if something turns into anything, don’t lie about your age. If your shit turns real and then you admit you’re a liar, that’s bad. I’m not going to go into all the cliche examples of why it’s bad, I’m going to assume you understand how humans process lying and leave it there.
- If you’re looking to casually date and not get serious, go ahead and lie if you want. If you’re not interested in having a real connection with someone, then it doesn’t really matter who you say you are since you’re not planning to see them much, if ever, in the future. You can be who you want! You can act out an episode of Alias! Pretend you’re The Saint! Are my pop culture references fresh enough for you?!
- If you’re simply looking to get down, get off the internet and lie about your age to someone in real life - you’ll get results quicker! This is obvious, no?
I’ve made a chart you can print out, laminate, and keep with you at all times for quick reference:
Basically, I think you should just apply The Golden Rule here - if you want honesty, be honest. If you don’t really care about that right now, then seek out others who don’t really care and say what you want. There’s some comfort and satisfaction to be had in knowing that the internet allows you some anonymity, and it’s perfectly alright to take advantage of that as long as you’re not hurting anybody’s feelings.
Dude, she’s wayyy older than she looks.
Do you ever have days where you visit the same 6 websites over and over again in a cycle and you never actually get anything done? How can I stop this?
ABSOLUTELY. And now is a perfect (if cliched) time to tackle this issue (Happy 2012!).
Everyone occasionally has “those days,” and some of us (AH-HEM) have them near constantly. I was unemployed for a good chunk of last year, and now that I only work part-time I have lots of hours to use responsibly. I hardly do. Too many of my days consist of waking up, drinking coffee, and getting lost in the internet. I find that what keeps me the most productive is having things I need to do away from the internet - that way I’m on a schedule which jolts me out of the cycle (even if it’s “I have to go buy contact lens solution - I’ll go at 1:00.”). If the work you need to get done is portable - go somewhere. The change of venue could be enough to get you to focus. You can also try putting yourself on deadlines to finish whatever needs doing - even if it’s something dumb like washing the dishes in the next ten minutes; sometimes if you make tasks a challenge you can motivate yourself to get them done. Not knowing what you need to accomplish in your day, it’s hard to be specific, but you’re really just going to have to impose some discipline (I know, ew.). A better method would be to flip it - put a time limit on your screwing around. Allow yourself ten more minutes of scouring YouTube for the perfect nutshot video to share with your friends, and then move on to your actual work. Instead of scheduling your work things around your effing around, accept that you’re fallible, probably super bored and/or a procrastinator and set aside chunks of time to be useless! Recognize that you need decompression time, but that it should be peppered in - that getting sucked into the internet is a sometimes food, like cheesecake or disco fries.
This kooky lady is some kind of an expert on this stuff, and her suggestions are pretty sound (creating lists, prioritizing, grouping tasks, working with immediacy, and structuring your day).
Good tools and tactics can be helpful, but it boils down to simply taking responsibility for, and control of, your focus. Take it from me - I’ve been writing this post for four months!
Don’t do this.
My boss can be a real asshole. He’s not always, but every now and again he reacts to an unforeseen circumstance by throwing a tantrum and yelling at his employees. (This is a very small, independent company) There were a few instances leading up to an incident that left him in tears yelling at a co-worker and I on the floor for five minutes, only to pretend as though nothing happened the next day. My inclination is to quit, because you can’t reason with unreasonable people, but there’s not a lot of opportunity for pirates out there these days. Am I being rash? Or is my silence simply approval for this behavior?
Everyone under the sun knows that now is a terrible time to be unemployed - the “debt crisis” garbage still has the markets on a sickening roller coaster ride, employers added net-zero jobs in August, and opportunities in the pirate game are usually rather slender - but it’s always a terrible time to be miserable and not respected by your boss.
While I wish it were easier to simply ‘have a talk’ with your higher-up, there are certain expectations in the employer-employee relationship, one of which (too often) is an unspoken agreement that they get to call all the shots and you get to just deal with it. One would hope that these dynamics would be more flexible in a smaller company, and many times they are, but your situation seems to not be one of those and like you said: you can’t reason with unreasonable people. So, sadly, you’re left deciding whether to suck it up and cope, it or bounce off into the unknown - which is not rash here, but unfortunately necessary.
As with anything perplexing and complicated, a good first step is to pro- and con- it out. What does this job provide that meets your “essentials” list in job requirements? How likely do you feel you’ll be able to find those qualities in another job? Other than the shitty boss, how much do you enjoy this work? The pay? The benefits? Your co-workers? Remember that job situations are not just a bubble. Commute times, work hours and quality of life are HUGE factors to consider. If you end up on the side of looking for work, hold on to this job as long as you can before transitioning - meaning, don’t quit and then look for work, look now. Not only will that appease potential future employers (see NPR article above) but it will also keep your stress level lower because your timeline is flexible. If you decide to stick with this job, make sure you take steps to protect yourself from your unstable boss. In a situation where the boss IS the HR department, you are your only advocate. If dramatic and/or abusive instances occur with some frequency you may want to keep a log. Not that you’re going to want to get litigious someday, but it’s smart to have some record of the blow ups and cryfests in the event that it becomes necessary. Send yourself an email with an account of the incident and who else was present on the day so that you have a dated record. Also, make sure you take steps to reduce your stress - any kind of physical and/or breathing exercises are helpful as well as making yourself leave work at work when you’re not on the clock. If you need five minutes of bitch-time once you punch out, fine, but don’t let it permeate the rest of your time away from the job.
We should all feel entitled to a reasonable and relatively pleasant work environment - after all, happy employees are more productive, just ask Google - but the reality is there are a lot of unstable, unreasonable or simply apathetic people out there. I wish you well, pirate, and I advise you to follow your gut. This is a tough decision in hard times, but this is your life and you only get to live each day one time. Make them as enjoyable as you can manage.
Nobody wants to hang out with me. Or, at least it seems that way. I have a ton of friends, but I think I’m too much of a workaholic and so I don’t make plans to hang out. Then, when everyone hangs out, they forget to (or decide not to) invite me - because I’m not thought of as a “Party Dude.” I’m not saying I need to be Michelangelo here, but there’s gotta be a middle ground.
I didn’t write this question, but I might as well have. I have gone through long stretches of feeling this way, and I always end up reminding myself the same thing, which is the following:
It’s not that nobody wants to hang out with you, it’s that the people who you think should want to hang out with you are not inviting you to hang out with them. And you know what? You’re not inviting them to hang out with you, either, or you wouldn’t be in that situation.
Chances are, you’re invited to about a zillion-and-one Facebook events on prettymuch a daily basis. Yeah, a lot of those are invitations to baloney things like watching a webseries, going to a concert or comedy show or joining someone’s pyramid scheme, but a good chunk are also house parties/birthday parties and legitimate events. YOU CAN GO TO THOSE AND THAT COUNTS AS HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE. As for the people you feel are (sort of) excluding you, there is a possibility they’ve stopped inviting you to things because your typical answer is “sorry dudes, I’m working.” They might be saving themselves that extra step since, in a way, you’ve conditioned them to assume you’re not available/interested. The next time you come up for air, why don’t you just call/text/email/tweet at those friends you feel like hanging with and see what they’re up to? If that doesn’t work, check out what things you have been invited to do. If that also fails, you can always order a pizza and chill out with your rat-tacular sensei.
How long are you supposed to wait before calling a girl?
I hate the idea that you’re supposed to subscribe to some formula for dealing with “I like you” situations such as this. So, in that vein, I think you should wait until you’ve gathered your giddy thoughts enough to not sound like an incompetent a-hole when you call. We could all do with being a little more open, honest and vulnerable with each other, don’t you think?