After flying back to LAX, I was chatting with a friendly dude in baggage claim who had been on my flight. He ended up asking me out and I said “sure” and gave him my number, even though I really am not interested. But I’m newly single and this is the first time anyone has asked me out since the breakup, and I think I just didn’t know what to say. In retrospect, I probably should have just said “I’m seeing someone”. But my brain doesn’t work that fast, and now he’s got my phone number. What do I do? Ignore the call? Go out anyway and who cares? (Please note: I don’t have the balls to answer the call and tell him I’m not interested.)

You. (I assume.)

Listen, attention is NICE (especially so when you’re newly single) regardless of whether you plan to follow up on the culmination of enjoying said attention.  Aside from the totally honest approach (i.e. the thing you’re not going to do, i.e. saying “no, thank you”) - of which I am a HUGE proponent [please see super annoying/preachy note below] - you’re well within your rights to ignore the call, make up a lie, go out and have a weird time, or other.  Don’t feel guilty for enjoying the attention or being a bit startled by the ask-out and missing your opportunity to turn the dude down flat (with a little lie or the truth) - you’re just a person and persons have moments like these.  

And since you asked this question six months ago, I’m super curious as to whether this dude actually called you and how everything went down.

**SUPER ANNOYING/PREACHY NOTE**
Being honest, while not always comfortable, is not MEAN.  You can certainly make it mean with tone or intent, but simply being HONEST by saying “No, thank you, I’m not interested.” is a great way to get your message across and avoid ambiguity for the other party (one can always argue with an excuse, less so with the truth).
Bonus: it’s respectful and gives you integrity!

I’m not really asking a question, I just wanted to say that I really enjoy everything you write. Don’t ever quit, please.

Thank you.  I have been feeling low and this serves as a nice boost-me-up.

This is the clip show of blog posts.

I HATE when the car in front of me obstructs traffic while they wait for a parking spot. Whether they are waiting for somebody to exit a space at the grocery store, or holding up traffic on Melrose by trying to parallel park. I feel like if you are holding people up, you are being selfish and rude. Am I wrong?

Please see this post which answers a very similar question about Trader Joe’s’ parking lots.

Can 2 friends hook up without lov getin in the way or can sex friendsstay best friends???

Please see this post with in-depth commentary from many.

What is the best way to kill my neighbor’s parrot?

Yeah, bro, you totally already asked me this fake question.

I have an old friend who lives in Berkeley. I didn’t really think of him as anything but an amazingly cool friend until a couple weekends ago. He came to town new years, and it seemed as if he was turning up the heat a bit. He’s in the bay area and has a year to go until he finishes his Phd. I didn’t know how I felt before, but I visited and after a very romantic time- realized I’m smitten. He’s super into me, too, but is very practical. I can’t stop thinking of the future. What do I do?

Get on it.  Seriously, you’ve been friends for forever, the heat has been turned UP and you’ve enjoyed a romantical visit?  Yeah, make that shit OK for the boths of you.  LA => Berkeley ain’t that far for two people - if you were in high school or maybe even your undergrad years I’d say this might be too much to ask, but you’re grown folks who are in charge of their own destinies (and can buy cheap-ass Southwest tickets).  Also, one year is not that long.  Think about it, have you even gotten used to the idea that it’s 2012?  I’ll answer for you: no, you haven’t.  If you still wrote checks, you’d be writing /11 by accident.

Make it a thing.  Let’s all get onboard with liking each other a whole bunch - even if it’s totally uncool and illogical.

what’s the deal with expired toothpaste?

Well, according to Dr. Joel H. Berg it isn’t harmful to continue use.  Toothpaste will simply lose it’s efficacy over time, similar to vitamin supplements.  My guess is the fewer additives your toothpaste has (whitening agents, Scope®, magic crystals, etc.) the longer the shelf life.  While we’re on the subject of ingredients, most toothpastes have terribly dangerous ones - ones that, if ingested, could make you quite ill.

So, if I’ve terrified you enough, here are two solutions:

• You can make your own out of fairly simple ingredients; or,
• You can purchase from an environmentally/health conscious company such as Tom’s of Maine, Burt’s Bees, JASON or Desert Essence (each have fluoride and fluoride-free varieties).

Though you probably shouldn’t ingest those either, unless you wanna end up like this guy:

I think my coworker may possibly be a complete mental case. I’ve discovered he enjoys a deadly combination of wizardry and atheism, along with the occasional IRL fight with strangers. Do I tell my boss my concerns, or quietly begin purchasing bullet proof clothing to prepare for the day he comes in and goes completely postal because the latest edition of Zelda has been bumped back two weeks? Please advise.
Signed, Tri-Forcing myself to smile

(Also, there is no God.)

Well, okay.  First of all, I hope you’re still alive.  I don’t follow the news, so I may not have heard of any dudes going completely banana sandwiches all over his coworkers.  Secondly, let’s not totally jump to conclusions here.  This guy may be a nerd and a weirdo, but he’s probably no Eric Harris, and besides, bullet-proof clothing won’t help you if he brings in his katana (yeah, he DEFINITELY has a sword).

I’m not very sure of what you mean by wizardry, but I’m guessing he reads Piers Anthony books and probably plays a lot of D&D or something.  Or at least talks about it.  Neither those things, nor atheism, are causes for alarm in and of themselves, but fights are a legit problem you can address with your boss.  Aggression and/or violence in the workplace is totally unacceptable and should not be tolerated at any level.  If the IRL stranger fights are customers, bring it up right away.  If they’re purely anecdotal, you can still bring it up in the context of “it makes me feel uncomfortable when Duder McFantasypants talks about weird, violent stuff.”  Your boss has a responsibility to address the issue without revealing your identity, but you need to judge whether your boss is smart/tactful enough to leave you out of it.  Meaning, I’d like you to avoid making yourself a target in the case your coworker really is a bona fide nutjob waiting to crack.

You could also attempt to address these issues yourself, but that depends on how Dr. Phil-ish you’re feeling (or whether you’re any good at that sort of thing).  Regardless of your tack, you need to be sure you’re as nice/friendly/cordial as you would be with anyone slightly unstable so as not to get on his “bad side” (he DEFINITELY has a written shit list).  If you’re on the receiving end of threats or even a Gypsy (sorry, Romani) curse-like stinkeye, mention this to your boss and maybe get the police involved (if the threats are serious).  If you’re genuinely concerned for your or anyone else’s safety, you do have a responsibility to speak up instead of simply soliciting the advice of me, an unofficial “expert” of nothing whatsoever.

Is everyone for real about how old they are on online dating profiles? Is it wrong to shave off a few years?

Short Answer to the First Part: No.
Short Answer to the Second Part: Yeah, kind of.

It turns out a lot of people lie about a lot of things on the internet - what a surprise!   OKCupid has a blog analyzing all kinds of user trends, and this post is all about the lies people tell online, and though it addresses lots of other interesting subjects, unfortunately, it does not mention age.  The Frisky (did you know this website is horrible?) has an article outlining The Top 10 White Lies People Tell in Online Dating Profiles, but it’s rather pithy in it’s analysis of the age-adjustment problem. But here’s a really square advice post from eHarmony (remember: it’s not for gays!) that specifically discusses a woman’s “real dating age” (sponsored by Olay) that, again, is really square, but addresses honest issues.  Some of those tame bits of advice echo my own thoughts on the matter, which are as follows:

1. If you’re actually looking for a relationship, don’t lie about your age.  I happen to know who you are, dear question asker, and you look a good four to five years younger than your actual age, but you need to be honest about all aspects of who you are if you’re looking for something meaningful.  You would, presumably, want the same in a partner.  As long as your photos are current, they’re just going to have to deal with the fact that you’re an older-than-you-look, sweet piece of ass.
2. If your goal is to casually date and maybe see if something turns into anything, don’t lie about your age.  If your shit turns real and then you admit you’re a liar, that’s bad.  I’m not going to go into all the cliche examples of why it’s bad, I’m going to assume you understand how humans process lying and leave it there.
3. If you’re looking to casually date and not get serious, go ahead and lie if you want.  If you’re not interested in having a real connection with someone, then it doesn’t really matter who you say you are since you’re not planning to see them much, if ever, in the future.  You can be who you want!  You can act out an episode of Alias!  Pretend you’re The Saint!  Are my pop culture references fresh enough for you?!
4. If you’re simply looking to get down, get off the internet and lie about your age to someone in real life - you’ll get results quicker!  This is obvious, no?

I’ve made a chart you can print out, laminate, and keep with you at all times for quick reference: 

Basically, I think you should just apply The Golden Rule here - if you want honesty, be honest.  If you don’t really care about that right now, then seek out others who don’t really care and say what you want.  There’s some comfort and satisfaction to be had in knowing that the internet allows you some anonymity, and it’s perfectly alright to take advantage of that as long as you’re not hurting anybody’s feelings.

Dude, she’s wayyy older than she looks.

Do you ever have days where you visit the same 6 websites over and over again in a cycle and you never actually get anything done? How can I stop this?

ABSOLUTELY.  And now is a perfect (if cliched) time to tackle this issue (Happy 2012!).

Everyone occasionally has “those days,” and some of us (AH-HEM) have them near constantly. I was unemployed for a good chunk of last year, and now that I only work part-time I have lots of hours to use responsibly.  I hardly do.  Too many of my days consist of waking up, drinking coffee, and getting lost in the internet.  I find that what keeps me the most productive is having things I need to do away from the internet - that way I’m on a schedule which jolts me out of the cycle (even if it’s “I have to go buy contact lens solution - I’ll go at 1:00.”).  If the work you need to get done is portable - go somewhere.  The change of venue could be enough to get you to focus.  You can also try putting yourself on deadlines to finish whatever needs doing - even if it’s something dumb like washing the dishes in the next ten minutes; sometimes if you make tasks a challenge you can motivate yourself to get them done.  Not knowing what you need to accomplish in your day, it’s hard to be specific, but you’re really just going to have to impose some discipline (I know, ew.).  A better method would be to flip it - put a time limit on your screwing around.  Allow yourself ten more minutes of scouring YouTube for the perfect nutshot video to share with your friends, and then move on to your actual work.  Instead of scheduling your work things around your effing around, accept that you’re fallible, probably super bored and/or a procrastinator and set aside chunks of time to be useless!  Recognize that you need decompression time, but that it should be peppered in - that getting sucked into the internet is a sometimes food, like cheesecake or disco fries.

This kooky lady is some kind of an expert on this stuff, and her suggestions are pretty sound (creating lists, prioritizing, grouping tasks, working with immediacy, and structuring your day).  

Good tools and tactics can be helpful, but it boils down to simply taking responsibility for, and control of, your focus.  Take it from me - I’ve been writing this post for four months!

Don’t do this.

Hey there,

My boss can be a real asshole. He’s not always, but every now and again he reacts to an unforeseen circumstance by throwing a tantrum and yelling at his employees. (This is a very small, independent company) There were a few instances leading up to an incident that left him in tears yelling at a co-worker and I on the floor for five minutes, only to pretend as though nothing happened the next day. My inclination is to quit, because you can’t reason with unreasonable people, but there’s not a lot of opportunity for pirates out there these days. Am I being rash? Or is my silence simply approval for this behavior?

Everyone under the sun knows that now is a terrible time to be unemployed - the “debt crisis” garbage still has the markets on a sickening roller coaster ride, employers added net-zero jobs in August, and opportunities in the pirate game are usually rather slender - but it’s always a terrible time to be miserable and not respected by your boss.

While I wish it were easier to simply ‘have a talk’ with your higher-up, there are certain expectations in the employer-employee relationship, one of which (too often) is an unspoken agreement that they get to call all the shots and you get to just deal with it.  One would hope that these dynamics would be more flexible in a smaller company, and many times they are, but your situation seems to not be one of those and like you said: you can’t reason with unreasonable people.  So, sadly, you’re left deciding whether to suck it up and cope, it or bounce off into the unknown - which is not rash here, but unfortunately necessary.

As with anything perplexing and complicated, a good first step is to pro- and con- it out.  What does this job provide that meets your “essentials” list in job requirements?  How likely do you feel you’ll be able to find those qualities in another job?  Other than the shitty boss, how much do you enjoy this work?  The pay?  The benefits?  Your co-workers?  Remember that job situations are not just a bubble.  Commute times, work hours and quality of life are HUGE factors to consider.  If you end up on the side of looking for work, hold on to this job as long as you can before transitioning - meaning, don’t quit and then look for work, look now.  Not only will that appease potential future employers (see NPR article above) but it will also keep your stress level lower because your timeline is flexible.  If you decide to stick with this job, make sure you take steps to protect yourself from your unstable boss.  In a situation where the boss IS the HR department, you are your only advocate.  If dramatic and/or abusive instances occur with some frequency you may want to keep a log.  Not that you’re going to want to get litigious someday, but it’s smart to have some record of the blow ups and cryfests in the event that it becomes necessary.  Send yourself an email with an account of the incident and who else was present on the day so that you have a dated record.  Also, make sure you take steps to reduce your stress  - any kind of physical and/or breathing exercises are helpful as well as making yourself leave work at work when you’re not on the clock.  If you need five minutes of bitch-time once you punch out, fine, but don’t let it permeate the rest of your time away from the job.  

We should all feel entitled to a reasonable and relatively pleasant work environment - after all, happy employees are more productive, just ask Google - but the reality is there are a lot of unstable, unreasonable or simply apathetic people out there.  I wish you well, pirate, and I advise you to follow your gut.  This is a tough decision in hard times, but this is your life and you only get to live each day one time.  Make them as enjoyable as you can manage.

Nobody wants to hang out with me. Or, at least it seems that way. I have a ton of friends, but I think I’m too much of a workaholic and so I don’t make plans to hang out. Then, when everyone hangs out, they forget to (or decide not to) invite me - because I’m not thought of as a “Party Dude.” I’m not saying I need to be Michelangelo here, but there’s gotta be a middle ground.

I didn’t write this question, but I might as well have.  I have gone through long stretches of feeling this way, and I always end up reminding myself the same thing, which is the following:

It’s not that nobody wants to hang out with you, it’s that the people who you think should want to hang out with you are not inviting you to hang out with them.  And you know what?  You’re not inviting them to hang out with you, either, or you wouldn’t be in that situation.

Chances are, you’re invited to about a zillion-and-one Facebook events on prettymuch a daily basis.  Yeah, a lot of those are invitations to baloney things like watching a webseries, going to a concert or comedy show or joining someone’s pyramid scheme, but a good chunk are also house parties/birthday parties and legitimate events.  YOU CAN GO TO THOSE AND THAT COUNTS AS HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE.  As for the people you feel are (sort of) excluding you, there is a possibility they’ve stopped inviting you to things because your typical answer is “sorry dudes, I’m working.”  They might be saving themselves that extra step since, in a way, you’ve conditioned them to assume you’re not available/interested.  The next time you come up for air, why don’t you just call/text/email/tweet at those friends you feel like hanging with and see what they’re up to?  If that doesn’t work, check out what things you have been invited to do.  If that also fails, you can always order a pizza and chill out with your rat-tacular sensei.

How long are you supposed to wait before calling a girl?

I hate the idea that you’re supposed to subscribe to some formula for dealing with “I like you” situations such as this.  So, in that vein, I think you should wait until you’ve gathered your giddy thoughts enough to not sound like an incompetent a-hole when you call.  We could all do with being a little more open, honest and vulnerable with each other, don’t you think?

I’ve been trying to get my boyfriend to quit smoking for years and he says he wants to stop and he knows he should stop, but….he keeps smoking. He doesn’t smoke in the house, but I’m finding myself less and less attracted to him. The way he smells, and sometimes when we kiss he has a terrible taste in his mouth, even when he’s brushed his teeth right before. I’ve threatened to get all Lysistrata on him, but ultimately, wouldn’t that hurt me too? What do I do?!?!?

If there was anything I learned when I attempted to teach first graders, it was this: There is nothing you can do that will force another human being to do what you want.  You can heavily influence their decision, yes, but you cannot make them.  And so it goes with addictions of all kinds, including nicotine.

Luckily, smoking kills you rather slowly, so you have time to do some influencing.  I am not a proponent of using sex as a weapon, so I don’t condone that Lysistrata approach, but you have some pretty good legitimate ammunition if you’re less attracted to him because of his smell/taste.  If you haven’t told him that, tell him.  This may only launch him into the Listerine aisle, but that won’t take the smell out of his hair or off his skin or clothes - and feel free to point that out.  If you’ve been trying to get him to quit “for years” it would seem this hasn’t been dealbreaker behavior and he may bring this up in your conversation (oh yeah, also: make it a conversation, not an argument).  Simply state that you’ve reached a point where you’re no longer willing to tolerate this behavior that you both agree is unhealthy and unappealing - and stick to it.  There are quite a few methods of quitting smoking, and the American Lung Association has a (very user un-friendly) website with information, tips and support organization info.  The American Cancer Society has a nice, easier-navigable site.  Some common approaches are the following:

• “The Patch” - There are a few different brands with patches on the market, and many drugstores carry their own line.  Patches are for heavy smokers - 20 or more per day - and require lots of hair-free skin to adhere to as you are discouraged from using the same skin site for one week.  They’re also costly, but so is smoking, so whatever.
• Nicotine gum - Again, different brands available, including store brands, but what the gum can do that the patch can’t is soothe the oral fixation component of smoking.  There is a very clear method to how you are to chew the gum (chew ‘til tingly, then park in your cheek, then resume when not tingly anymore, repeat) so hopefully he’s good at following directions.  
• Hypnosis/Hypnotherapy - This will NOT work if your mister is very cynical.  This MIGHT work if he’s open to the idea.  There is a STRONG POSSIBILITY this is mumbo jumbo.
• Electronic cigarettes - Debatable as to whether this is actually an aid to help stop smoking, at the very least maybe this will solve the problem a bit.  They’re not smoky-stinky, but I’m guessing the mouth is similarly gross so he’ll probably want to hit up that Listerine aisle anyway.

The only thing you can really do is keep the discussion ongoing.  Remind him about things like how cancer is a terrible way to die, tracheotomies are gross and sad and how smoking does other terrible things like cause premature aging, decrease ones’ senses of taste and smell (exposure to toxins) and causes one to be a general outcast.  

Dear H.A.T.,
Is there a specific rule or etiquette in regards to waiting for someone to pull out of a parking spot? While at Trader Joe’s earlier today a woman was blocking the entire flow of traffic for a good 5 minutes while waiting for another woman who dilly-dallied and took her sweet time leaving her spot. I was furious. I personally feel like she should have just moved on, but I don’t know the rule for the situation?
- Parking Lot Panicked 

Dear PLP:  

I like to refer to this kind of behavior as “stalking” - this would also include the move where a person is followed by a vehicle down the aisle of parked cars until s/he reaches her/his vehicle and leaves WHICH IS SUPER WEIRD AND PLEASE STOP DOING IT, WEIRDOS.  

I would say the general parking lot rule would be if you’re waiting longer than about 90 seconds and progress is dismal, you should move on.  If there is nobody behind you, sure, wait as long as you want, but if traffic is backing up behind you, have the decency to get the crap out of the way so that other people can continue with their lives.  Additionally, unless the lady who was getting ready to leave her spot was disabled in some way or had children with her, she also bears a responsibility to hurry it up a little.  Especially in a TJs lot, which are particularly clogged and terrible.  

Trader Joe’s on Hyperion in Silverlake

I believe in lots of rules about this kind of shit (“this kind of shit” being common courtesy when out in the world), but it seems most people (at least in Los Angeles) do not.  Since drawing attention to their folly in any way could potentially lead to a shooting or stabbing, you’re gonna have to take a deep breath when this happens and keep going.  I find it helpful to think back to the times when I’ve certainly been less than thoughtful and behaved in a similar way - maybe I was having a terrible day, or I was sick or in physical pain.  Remembering that those humans are just jerks like us can sometimes deflate the frustrations we feel in instances where logic and conscientiousness fail.